There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
