Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
