u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
