phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
whose parrot is this?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
