I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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