Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
