so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
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