he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
