the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You pole danced in your parka.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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