It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
