No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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