I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
