nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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