sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
