i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
