his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
