It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
