Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
