True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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