Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Randomize
