Your dad touched me again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
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