I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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