wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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