I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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