He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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