I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
