Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
