I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
