I think I died a long time ago.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
