I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
