If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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