Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
operation have a gay friend backfired
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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