Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
