we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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