Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
