I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
