i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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