All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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