I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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