i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
