Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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