her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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