well I can't set my house on fire every night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
