I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
