and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
