She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
