i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
