This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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