woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
