i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
